


Reminescence

by Jenny Colt (LadyBernkastel)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-23 03:51:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2533109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBernkastel/pseuds/Jenny%20Colt





	Reminescence

I.  
  
Wide eyes glanced forward into the darkness. Nothing would change, you finally realized. A soft sigh escaped your lips, eyes slipping shut as you tried to catch your breath. The body next to you moved, making your eyes crack open once again, darting to the figure beside you. It was dark, but you could still see the outline of his form lying beside you. You faced his back, like you have been for some time now.  
  
For some nights you wonder if you really did a good thing in marrying him, if you shouldn’t have waited a little longer. If you shouldn’t have got married at all. The man you knew and fell in love with, he was barely present anymore. It was like living with a stranger, and it killed you inside. You didn’t say a word, though. There was nothing to be done or said that was capable of saving your marriage at said point, you repeated for yourself.   
  
Then I haven’t you got out of it yet? That was a question you couldn’t find the answer for. Maybe, deep down, you didn’t want an answer for that. Another sigh left your lips as you slowly turned to your side, facing away from his back. His back that was like a wall between you two. You couldn’t understand what had happened to all of the happiness that was first present when you two started living together.  
  
A soft sob left your lips; it was then that you realized you were crying. The tears streamed down your face, falling over your pillow. Your eyes closed once more, a bitter smile tugging at your lips. What could you do but cry and pity yourself? You heard the bed creak as Levi moved next to you, but it was something so common that you paid no attention.  
  
He would either move in the bed and leave soft cries hanging on the air, as if he was having some sort of nightmare, or don’t come home at all. Things only got worse as he started doing that, because you could think of a thousand reasons for him not to come home. It broke you. When you first asked about what happened with him during night, he got up without saying a word and left you by yourself. He didn’t come home that night.  
  
It was crumbling, falling apart.  
  
Beyond salvation.  
  
And it scared you.  
  
Because your love for him was still there, somewhere. Buried deep within your shattered heart. What about his love? Did it exist at all? Only more questions you didn’t want to know the answer to. You couldn’t control your sobs anymore, they were getting louder as more tears escaped your eyes, gathering in the, now, damp pillow.  
  
At some point, your cries woke him up. But Levi remained quiet, his eyes glancing up at the ceiling, even though he could only see darkness. It killed him inside for causing this to you, but there was no easy way to dealing with what he had been dealing. And he chose not to get you involved in it. It was for your own sake, he kept repeating to himself. He would find a way, a way to repair all of the mess he had made.  
  
II.  
  
This night, too, he could hear you crying. Everything just kept getting worse; he didn’t know what to do anymore. So his absence became even more frequent, you would barely see him. No words were exchanged anymore between you. Levi buried his nose in his work as much as he could, hoping it would ease the weight on his shoulders. But your cries kept coming back to his mind, tormenting him in a non-healthy way.  
  
Yet, if he told you the truth, wouldn’t it be only worse?   
  
He kept wondering what he should do, but it only tortured him even more. All of those painful memories flooding through his mind, a past supposed to be long forgotten, something that should not be there. It was supposed to stay buried. But it kept haunting him. Maybe, because it was his fault. All of those images of a different time, a different place kept coming back. Every time he laid his weary head on the pillow.  
  
It was better not to sleep, to avoid these things. All that pain, all that death. It was making him destroy his present, too. If he ever told you, you would never believe him. And then, everything would be really over. He was trying, he really was trying to get over it. Only, things just kept getting worse at every new memory he received back in his dreams. He could smell their blood, their horror. It terrified him.  
  
III.  
  
That woman’s legs around his waist, they weren’t yours. No, you knew yours pretty well. How your skin felt against his pale digits, how you smelled like. He pushed the woman on the bed, tugging at her clothes, he needed to relieve his anger, his sadness. But he could not touch you. He couldn’t taint you. You were too precious to get dirty by his filthy hands.   
  
She pulled him in for a kiss, her hands where everywhere. Her touches were eager, she didn’t want any love, any connection. It was simple, plain sex. To abstain his mind from the pain. His eyes scanned over her exposed breasts, unconsciously seeking for the small freckles you had there. But he found none. He was touching someone else again, someone that wasn’t you.  
  
Her smell slowly attached to his skin as her arms wrapped around him, her body slid against his. It was nothing like your smell. Her eyes were wide, but there was nothing on them. The woman was almost as empty as himself, that was what made him choose her. Because she had nothing you did, because she was like him.  
  
And he found nothing but more pain.  
  
IV.  
  
A soft giggle escaped your lips. You haven’t felt so good in a long, long time. The blonde man was pushing you against the wall, his hand had sneaked into your dress, cupping your backside. Even with him being so different from your Levi, you had so much making you numb that you could see his face in that man’s. You called his name, the man pretended not to hear it as he took your lips once more.  
  
It was relaxing, it was lasting this time. It wasn’t like before, you had something to make you whole again. He pulled away for a moment, his free hand raising with a small, round, pink pill. You giggled, sticking your tongue out and feeling as he placed the pill over it. You pulled it back into your mouth, tilting your head back as you swallowed it. He took advantage of the movement, his lips hungrily seeking your neck.  
  
You wondered if he was home, if he had noticed your absence. If he cared, to begin with. Because you certainly didn’t, not anymore.  
  
V.  
  
He knew that, at some point, he would end up losing your for his behavior. He just didn’t thought it would be that way. His eyes were locked on your form, hips moving accordingly to the song as another man wrapped his arms around your waist. Your eyes were unfocused, your entire body numb. He couldn’t notice it from afar, the state you were in. All he could see was the man’s hands on you.  
  
It wasn’t the first night you did that, he knew it. He had noticed how absent you were becoming. Like him, you were almost never home. He could say nothing about it, though. Because he did the same thing. For different reasons, but he still did. His nightmares only became worse and nothing was easing the pain anymore. Seeing you like that only made his heart shatter even more.  
  
Levi didn’t know what to do.  
  
You were his light.  
  
And now he had nothing,  
  
But darkness.


End file.
